The Good Goodbye: How to End Therapy
My brother hates his therapist but he will never leave. Every time I ask he complains about her (again) and we laugh. It’s become a joke at this point. He’s been with her a while, she is sometimes helpful and he doesn’t want to take on the effort of looking for someone else but she is also not culturally matched, doesn’t specialize in some of the stuff he’s going through and he doesn’t feel a connection with her. Every time I poke him about this he says, “I know, I know. BUT…”. And you know what? That’s his choice. There are a million reasons to stay and million to leave and here are a few considerations if you find yourself at this threshold.
Reasons you might end therapy:
You met your goal/s and it/they were why you were there. Now that you’ve done that, you feel finished with the work.
You have bumped into a special category that might be better served by a different therapist (like pregnancy, postpartum, infertility or loss). Some great therapists are not great with those specific things, so you might want to switch to a specialist.
You feel you’ve genuinely learned a lot and are doing so well in your relationships/work/self of self that therapy feels like an unnecessary cost and time commitment.
You find that you dread going.
You find yourself cancelling a lot.
You don’t have anything to talk about.
Regardless of why, ending therapy can often feel uncomfortable for both conscious and unconscious reasons. Unconsciously, many folks’ therapists have become attachment figures in their life and the end of that relationship feels sad/scary/brings up other attachment wounds. Consciously, you may just wonder if you will hurt your therapist’s feelings or worry they won’t agree that you are done. Hopefully, they help with the transition, both by listening to your reasoning and supporting your decision.
How to end therapy:
Send an email preparing for the last session or send an email saying you’re done and name the previous session as the last one
Talk about it in your session and plan for when your last one will take place
Give a reason or don’t - you don’t have to explain why if you don’t want to
How to use your last session:
Therapists have a concept of ending the relationship called “the good goodbye” and it involves a safe, secure, intentional farewell. You don’t owe this to your therapist and you may not want it, based on your history, but it should be available to you. You may want to discuss your progress and review your time together, you may want to share insights and ask questions about your therapist’s thoughts on you, you may have constructive feedback or things you want your therapist to hear you say. You may want to use it like a normal session. There is no wrong way to do it, as long as you are comfortable with the process. But please know you can ask for anything you want or need and your therapist should provide some framework offering the options.
Remember, you can always come back to the therapeutic relationship, whether it’s reaching out to a therapist you’ve seen before or finding someone new.
